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United’s final transfer solution

Old Trafford Fire Sale

Old Trafford Fire Sale

We as a species thrive on the need to experiment. Where would we be without experiments that led to advances in medicine, engineering and space travel? The experiment at United, however, needs to end. After years of bringing world class, quality footballers to Old Trafford, the club has decided to spend some time bringing in uninspiring, mediocre athletes.

After the display against Swansea on Saturday, enough is enough. Before there are any new arrivals, these players have to go.

This is not an effort to spark a debate about the Glazers, for it’s not worth the time and I am not well connected enough at the club to know what really goes on behind closed doors, but the fact of the matter is the standard of player through the doors at Carrington has dropped massively since their takeover in 2005.

The reason for this is unclear, but it is to be certain that many readers will speculate. Louis Van Gaal needs to take a look at the average members of his squad, kindly ask them to leave and politely fill their pockets with cement and drop them off the docks.

There have been several genuine, world-class additions to the squad; Juan Mata and Robin van Persie are obvious examples, but they are a minority in a dismal cast of players.

Still nobody knows why United signed Marouane Fellaini, many aren’t sure even he knows why. The sounds of disgust that echoed around the ground during his introduction for Ander Herrera late in the second half are still ringing in my ears. It was then when many realised he is United’s Andy Carrol. Fellaini is a long ball target man, who runs around a lot, offers very little and thanks to the lunacy of David Moyes cost far too much.

It would be easy to ramble on about how Tom Cleverly is the Rick Ross of football, absolutely talentless but, by some miracle, very successful. But the thing is, it genuinely feels like Tom cares about this club and that despite his flaws he plays for the shirt. The same cannot be said for Nani and Chicharito.

Both of these players are desperate to move somewhere else. Hernandez was adored when he burst onto the scene and fans will always be grateful for the dramatic winners he’s scored for the club, but the player who took to the field against Swansea was a shadow of that man.

During the match he spent the majority of the time walking around like a sulking child, throwing tantrums when he didn’t get the ball and squandering simple opportunities when he did. Many have loved his time here, but he needs to leave before things get ugly.

Nani, like Anderson, like Bebé, like Darren Gibson is one that had so much potential to fulfil but never did. United fans have seen this potential in flashes, but now it’s almost cringe-worthy when he gets the ball. Previously the most common observation of Nani was that he was frustrating because of his inconsistency, sometimes brilliant, sometimes idiotic. Now he is consistent. The results of this consistency are truly devastating.

One summer United’s midfield included, David Beckham, Paul Scholes, Ryan Giggs and Roy Keane. That same summer the club spent £28m and acquired the services of Juan Sebastian Veron,then of the world’s best midfielders. Things did not work out for the Argentine and he was quickly discarded after two seasons, for back then United knew who to buy and also when to sell.

It’s unclear why those in charge of United embarked on this challenge of trying to get average footballers more medals than Steven Gerrard, but although in the past it has been a barrel of laughs, it is time to put that to bed. Now is the time to invest in quality and ditch the quantity.

Alternatively show some integrity and sign Titus Bramble, Ji Dong-Wong, singer Mick Hucknall and throw in Duke from Tracy Beaker. Fully commit to an average transfer policy. It could be similar to Athletic Bilbao and their rule on only signing players from the Basque region of Spain. Cliff Richard might be looking for some work soon as well.

William Dawson