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How to Buy a Player From Spurs: A Primer

1. Employ a Spanish waiter to go to the podium and scream at the top of his voice that he’s interested to sign one of their players — preferably under the glare of Sky, BBC, ITV or whoever is interested.

2. Wait for their Chairman to go mental and report your club for ‘tapping up’ / ‘improper conduct’ or whatever sophisticated jargon the Cambridge educated bloke may choose to word his accusation with.

3. Apologise and admit that the comments made by the manager (or Spanish waiter, however applicable) was inappropriate and make a donation to the Tottenham Hotspur Foundation.

4. Throw some money and sign the player.

Spurs fans, nothing personal: the proof is in the pudding.

We can’t do the same though, because Fergie has denied making an open statement about Berbatov. Bah!